“Stop complaining about your life. There are people out there who are dating your ex.” – Unknown
What is Complaining?
In a nutshell, complaining is expressing dissatisfaction. It may be about a movie that disappointed you, the weather ruined your day, the server took too long with your order, or that there are no good people to date, and more. People can complain to others, en masse (through online sites by leaving scathing reviews, through media or social media sites) or intrapersonally (negative self-talk where they keep ruminating and never let the disappointment go). Some people are constantly seeking evidence to support their belief that “I suck, the world sucks, and it ain’t ever gonna get better.”
While we all need to vent or fulminate occasionally, chronic complaining can be toxic.
Why do people complain?
In general, people complain for three basic reasons: (1) to get attention, (2) they need validation of their feelings; or (3) they are unconsciously modeling their early life conditioning.
While we all certainly could find something to complain about at any given time, excessive complaining can weaken our internal sense of control or coping. The good news is that we can always raise our threshold of tolerance for conflict and discomfort and expand our ability to problem solve.
The positives of complaining:
- It can be an outlet for frustration, relief, getting your feelings validated and bonding/connecting with another.
- It can lead to healthy solutions. So some complaining is actually healthy and helpful.
- It can differentiate what is working from what is not working; this can lead to improvement, or acceptance of what cannot change.
- A legitimate complaint can be an opportunity to focus on gratitude, curiosity, and reframe your thoughts to find a solution or viable change.
- Registering a legitimate complaint, particularly when posed as a helpful suggestion, can contribute to growth and a positive change in your home, school, workplace or community.
The negatives of complaining:
- It can put others off if it is chronic, giving the appearance you are negative or needy.
- It can reinforce negative thought patterns, which can lead to undesired feelings and behaviors, and decreased self-value. Studies have found that chronic complainers suffer more than the complainees!
- It can create distrust when things are going well.
- It can cause you to actualize more of what you do not want.
A productive way to complain:
- Acknowledge that you are complaining. This is called “an instrumental complaint” and can allow a healthy detachment to an isolated event vs a negative habit. E.g., “I need to register a complaint here, and offer some potential solutions.” This is assertive and thoughtful and cannot be construed as whining.
- The flipside of every complaint is a request. (E.g., “I request we keep the hallways clutter-free for safety reasons.” as opposed to “You always leave stuff in the hallway!” Which statement is more likely to get you the results you want?
- Thank the listener for their attention. This can ensure they will be open to your request vs.feeling attacked or annoyed in the future.
You can always rewire your style of complaining to come across as being helpful and contributing. Chronic complainers tend to be skeptical of this concept, however. A recent study found (not surprising) that happy people complain less, and when they do, it is with mindfulness.
How to handle a chronic complainer-drainer:
Limit your exposure to them as best you can, and when you are in an inescapable position with one, try these disclaimers:
“I want to help, but we need to find a solution instead of focusing only on the problem.”
“If you were able to effect positive change in this situation, what might that look like?”
“When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness.” — Eckhart Tolle