Since I started writing this article about a week ago, I have literally not been able to keep up with the list of those accused of sexual harassment, assault, and molestation. The list is growing at the speed of light. Sadly, Charlie Rose (oh, say it ain’t so!!!), Michigan Representative John Conyers, Senator Al Franken, and Ohio State Representative Wes Goodman (and perhaps more before this goes to press) have joined the ranks. What started out in Hollywood has quickly spread to DC and the Midwest.
This “drain the sexual swamp” movement at least this is not a partisan issue. Both major US political parties, and genders, have names on the growing list. The core issue, abuse of power, seems to be a great equalizer. Who would have thought that sexual offenses could unify us? I fervently believe we are living in an extraordinarily exciting chapter of history that is birthing a new paradigm, kicked off by brave victims who are sharing their stories.
While many men may be “quaking in their britches” waiting for the axe to fall on their past or present inappropriate behavior, we are creating a better future. All will be held to transparency now. No longer can powerful men get away with disrespectful behavior simply “…because they can.” No longer will women or men have to remain silent, living in fear of judgment, disbelief, victim shaming or blaming, loss of a job, fear of retaliation or violence. And no longer can women be complicit or enable the Old School game. As a true feminist, I must acknowledge the latter, though many do not wish to do so. There are women, and men, who have used their sexuality get ahead. And there have been those who have turned a blind eye or deaf ear. We will not hear those stories, and they should in no way detract from the pain and humiliation of those who are now turning their victimization into empowerment.
Many wonder why it has taken so many years for some of these claims to surface. Regarding her experience with Weinstein, Heather Graham recently stated in Variety: “We don’t want to be attacked for reading into something that may or may not have been there. We don’t want to be looked at as weak for not being able to handle ourselves in a business run by men. We don’t want to lose work by being defined as a Difficult Woman. We don’t want to be the first or only voice in the room.”
As many of you know, I was a stand-up comic for 10 years based in New York City and then in Los Angeles, touring all over the country and abroad a couple of times, too. I saw a lot. I heard a lot. And I can personally qualify as a “#Me Too” countless times. You’d be hard pressed to find any woman who does not have a story or two to share. Let me hasten to add I worked with a ton of great male comics who were nothing but professional and respectful.
As many of you also know, I have worked with sex offenders and addicts, as well as victims, for years now as a treatment professional. And the number one question we are asked regarding alleged perpetrator’s behavior is: “Why? What makes them do it?” In a nutshell, it is entitlement,
overcompensating for early rejection, perceived invisibility/inadequacy, hatred for women, or an absent, distant or neglectful father.
The brilliant comic Sarah Silverman asked a rhetorical question on her show this week: “Can you love someone who did these things?” referring to her friend, comedian Louis CK. Yes, Sarah, you can. We all knew about his behavior. While many comedians desperately seek attention, you can see in Louis’ apology statement how important being admired is to him. I counted at least 4 “….they admired my work…” phrases in his statement. Perhaps his exhibitionism is an insistence that every part of him be admired.
Sadly, his work, like Rose, Spacey, Weinstein and others, may be tainted forever, or at least for a long time, by their actions. All these accused men have great gifts, and must now cope with the humiliation and loss as they (hopefully) recover.
Some of these men have already entered treatment. Hopefully, many more will as well before more lives are ruined. Treatment is not just for those who have been caught. Nor is it just for the rich and famous and powerful. This issue knows no socioeconomic bounds. It does not occur only in Hollywood or Washington DC. It is in Everytown, USA and an offender can be your boss or your dentist or your teacher or your soccer coach. Speak up, trust that enough people will believe you as we all band together to raise the consciousness and create change for women and men.
Change is possible. Treatment works. Silence does not.
“The predator wants your silence. It feeds their power, entitlement and they want it to feed your shame.”
– Viola Davis