In reading a new release by one of my favorite therapists, I feel like I’ve waken up and joined the decade. In The Confidence Gap, Russ Harris gives a “psychological face lift” to the outdated concept of self-esteem. Psychologists have been studying the effects of the 1980’s and 1990’s “self-esteem rush” and those studies have found that too much (“high”) self-esteem:
* Leads to narcissism, entitlement, arrogance and a “better than” attitude.
* Correlates with prejudice and discrimination.
* Drives self-deception and defensiveness when presented with honest feedback.
What is the answer? Very simple: self-acceptance.
Accept that you, and your children, are no better nor worse than anyone else. Telling your children they are “special” or pet names like “Princess” can be just as damaging to the ego as put-downs. We are naturally socially comparative creatures, and will always find someone else smarter, more talented, more athletic, better looking than us.
Healthy self-acceptance comes from selflessly giving to others less fortunate, and being inspired and learning from those more fortunate. This fosters an environment of cooperation versus competition in your head and in your life.
The Confidence Gap busts myths like:
* Boosting your self-esteem will improve your performance
* People with high self-esteem are more likable, have better relationships, and make better impressions on others.
* People with high self-esteem are better leaders.
The book presents solid techniques for managing negative thoughts rather than buying into them, or expecting them to ever go away. How refreshing that we can embrace our uniqueness, flaws, sensitivity, and humanness without feeling our inferiority, insecurity or “low self-esteem” is anything but a fleeting thought.
If this resonates with you, pick up Dr. Harris’ book(s). Also, anything by the late Dr. Albert Ellis, particularly The Myth of Self-Esteem, is on the same wavelength.