Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
My favorite psychologist, the late great Dr. Albert Ellis, coined this term: “shoulding.” We tend to tell ourselves, and others, what we should be doing, and many times this is highly critical. “I should stop smoking.” or “I should be working out more.” or “I should be more successful by now.” and on and on.
Dr. Ellis, with his hallmark irascible New Yorker’s style, left quite a legacy as a psychologist and the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. He also authored 27 books. Yet this one thought management tool, I believe, is his best contribution to our field. “Stop shoulding all over yourself!” he declared. When you catch yourself thinking or saying should, replace the I should with I want or I choose or I prefer. This simple shift opens up a world of power. E.G. “I’d prefer to be a non-smoker…. I choose to exercise more… I would prefer to be more successful by now…”
The very word should tends to imply an external expectation… from your parents, society, God, etc. But real self-value comes from within. Shifting to a choice or a preference allows us to have a greater internal locus of control, and be responsible for our choices. Followed by appropriate action steps, we have a much greater change of effecting positive change when we follow our own choices and preferences vs the expectations of others.
I hope you choose to enjoy a safe, healthy Thanksgiving holiday.
“There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.” – Albert Ellis, PhD