Is it time for sex? Is your clock synchronized with your partner’s? Would you rather push the snooze button?
It’s helpful to know what your sexual cycles are so you and your mate can avoid a great deal of unnecessary conflict. Are you a once a week kind of guy or a gotta-have-it-everyday kind of gal? While we rarely get everything we want in a mate, some things are deal breakers. Nothing breaks a deal faster than sex. Well, maybe money.
It’s the age old question: nature or nurture? Is sex physical or emotional? Is libido biologically driven or learned? And the answer is, it is a combo deal. Certainly some people have a higher natural level of testosterone, and others lower. Yet we all have impulses that we can manage or negotiate. Our psychosexual development is extremely complex and highly individual; knowing your own needs and wants, and communicating them openly and honestly with your partner, will allow more of those needs and wants to be fulfilled, and avoid unnecessary conflict.
While the word libido comes from the Latin word for desire, Freud broadened the scope of the word to include life energy, one expression of which is sexual. While we think of libido as sex drive, if you broaden your definition of sex to life force, you can find creative ways to express your love and affection outside of intercourse. There is such an overwhelming emphasis on the Big O, that the whole purpose of sex has nearly been lost in our culture. And while orgasms are great, the closeness and connection with our mates is the real “orgasm.” So put down the Cosmo articles and books on sex, and go within where the real answers are: your own sexual clock. The road to sexual fulfillment is an internal one. When you are each in tune with your own needs, communicating this can allow you to “wind” one another’s sexual clock.
Our biology is our baseline, and our environmental influences either (1) allow that baseline to blossom and thrive on its own, shaped by caring, loving guidance; or, (2) thwart its natural development and growth through fear, judgment, and criticism. Our psychosexuality begins shaping early in life. Unconscious beliefs about sex, and life in general, are implanted in the unconscious prenatally. At birth, we begin relating to both genders and forming our own perceptions about them, based on our experiences with them. And that’s where our environmental influences come in. Were you conditioned to believe that your self-worth or masculinity or femininity depended on your sexuality? Were you raised to believe that sex is bad, dirty, or just plain downright sinful? Or were you fortunate enough to grow up respecting others’ rights and preferences as well as your own?
Talk about this with your partner – – ideally, before you embark on a sexual relationship, especially if you are heading in a serious direction. Many people want to “try it on” and see if it clicks, assuming that if the sexual connection is great, all your sexual needs will be fulfilled with that one partner. Not necessarily so. If there is a wide disparity in sexual needs, it is something to consider before committing. Will you be happy knowing he is frustrated 3 days a week? Will he be happy waiting and begging you? If you both enjoy sex closer to the same frequency, there will be less hurt feelings and conflict in general. The relationship can certainly still function well if you have a big “time zone” difference, if you are both willing to negotiate and compromise. The partner who wants sex more often can find ways to satisfy him/herself on the off nights. The one who wants it less may have to please the partner and “pass” on their own pleasure, or spend their libido/life force in other activities.
Some people experience sex very deeply, and just can’t handle it more than once a week. It’s too much….like too much rich, chocolate cake. For some people, great, mind-blowing sex once every two weeks is deeply satisfying and its effects are lingering. They prefer quality and less quantity. Others feel rejected if they can’t get what they want when they want it. It is important that you know your sexual clock, communicate this with your partner, and above all, choose a partner who can respect your clock.
Some couples even enjoy scheduling their sexual encounters. While this may sound anal and un-spontaneous to some, it can actually enhance the arousal. Things get shaved and waxed and scented, and you can recapture that delicious anticipation that you had at the beginning of your relationship.
Tick tock…