“You don’t get over it. You move past it.
You move through it.”
– Anonymous
I know. Your friend keeps complaining and sharing some drama and ruminating and driving you nuts. You want to help but you just can’t listen anymore. You think, or even blurt out: “Get over it.” What may be considered some of the three ugliest words one can hear when they are in pain. Of course you are sick and tired of hearing the same old story, especially when your friend has to know that repetition does not change the end of the story…indeed it can reinforce the pain; theirs and yours. You just can’t take it anymore.
Whether it is a relationship that ended, a childhood trauma they can’t get past, or some other upset, the kindest thing you can do is suggest they talk to a professional, because even if you are one, you cannot therapize your family or friends. Whatever is bothering them deserves to be sorted through and treated with patience, respect, and compassion. “Get over it” is code for “I don’t care” or “Stop whining” or “I can’t listen to this again.” All of which may feed into an unhelpful belief such as “No one cares about my feelings.”
What is Trauma
Trauma is the Greek word for wound. Not to be conflated with the normal slings and arrows of life that we all suffer occasionally, approximately 70% of us experience some major psychological or physical wound in our lives: sexual assault, emotional neglect, domestic violence, natural disasters, bullying (physical and/or cyber), addictions or mental illness in the home, and more. About 5% of traumatized people are diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) while 11-23% of veterans suffer from this lingering disorder.
Fortunately, trauma recovery is possible and trauma treatment is available through numerous modalities like EMDR, brainspotting, Gestalt, hypnotherapy, and more, for resolving any sort of trauma; the kind with a capital T as well as a lower case t. Each traumatic injury deserves to be treated and resolved vs simply “gotten over.” Most traumatized folks have spent a lifetime attempting to “get over it” by suppressing, repressing, masking, burying, or numbing out to all sorts of pains and traumas. As everything has a positive intent, the gift of ruminations (repetitive anxious thoughts), as well as somatic symptoms and self-harming behaviors, indicates that something is off and needs attention and healing. Like flashing red icons on your car’s dashboard, these signals nudge us to attend to the condition at hand. If not intervened, traumatic symptoms more than likely will worsen. While early intervention is ideal, it is never too late to recover.
So when you get sick of someone’s drama and victimization, rather than saying (verbally or nonverbally) “Get over it!”, gently suggest that it sounds like they could benefit from professional help to move through their issue. Encourage them to see a professional who has the training and objectivity necessary to guide them to turn their victimization into empowerment. If they don’t know where to start, suggest they check out www.psychologytoday.com or www.therapy.com and filter through their community for specifics of trauma treatment therapists. Healing is possible.
I offer a free 30-minute phone consultation to answer any questions about trauma treatment and recovery, please contact me here.
“Trauma creates change you don’t choose. Healing is about creating change you do choose.”
– Michelle Rosenthal