“Life is not fair. Yet we can stand up to make it fairer.”
– Dr. Nancy Irwin
As a psychologist, I have listened to scores of people who panic in a pressure situation. Most folks have heard of our oldest, most primitive reflex: fight-flight-freeze. While this certainly still serves us in a physical sense, it rarely works in communication:
“If someone punches me, I punch back twice as hard.” (fight)
“I just leave as quickly as I can.” (flight)
“My mind goes blank.” (freeze)
In the moment, it can be hard to think fast and respond in a way that is intentional when we are confronted by a bully, or blindsided by an offensive, petty, or downright rude comment or question. All of these reactions are adaptive and offer major benefits, yet each one has its liabilities as well. When you fight (yelling, name calling, getting physical), it may feel great in the short term, but you are lowering yourself to the perpetrator’s level, and more than likely escalating the situation. When you flee, you may escape immediate danger, but you miss an opportunity to grow your courage muscles and face fear head on. When you freeze, you may feel like you are neutralizing the situation, but you yield control to the other person.
But what if there was another option? A way to respond that is fair, that calls both of you up to a higher level? A way that you would not regret later?
There are four types of communication, only one of which works:
- Aggressive (fight). You cross others’ boundaries. You win, they lose.
- Passive (flight). You allow others to cross your boundaries. You lose, they win.
- Passive-Aggressive (freeze in the moment, become aggressive later). You seemingly allow others to cross your boundaries, and then you surreptitiously cross theirs. You both lose.
- Assertive (fair). Yours and others’ boundaries are respected. You both win. The only win-win way.
Rather than fighting, fleeing or freezing, consider taking what I call “the fair way.” Assertive, honest communication, while certainly not always easy, respects your own boundaries and those of others. It incudes the advantages of the other three options, while allowing you to avoid the disadvantages. You get to feel good in the moment as well as later, escape danger, and neutralize the situation at hand. You don’t lower yourself, you grow your courage muscles, and increase self-efficacy.
Next time you are in a fight-flight-freeze situation, practice these tips to take the fair way out:
- Breathe. Take a moment to breathe in what the other party has said and accept their “chess move.”
- What values of yours would you like to draw upon right now to fairly respond? Values provide a foundation to support us in forming a respectful response. You can model courage, equality, kindness, integrity, respect, fairness, patience, etc., in the words you choose. What response would you want your children or grandchildren to witness?
- You can respond by questioning why the other party said or asked what they did. E.g. “I’m not sure what kind of reaction you are trying to get from me by that comment/question, and I’m not comfortable responding. Thank you for respecting my boundary.” And then move on. If they do apologize, simply accept it and move on.
- Gauge your response. First, give yourself some props for taking on something a lot of people avoid. Then assess yourself fairly. If this happens again (and it will!), can you model your success, or improve somehow? You may even choose to write about this experience, to solidify the fair way for future encounters.
- Of course, there are some battles that are not worth taking on. If you sense violence, or if there is any other risk involved, do not engage. Speak up if you feel that doing so will empower you personally, or that you will regret it later if you do not speak up. Know that the other person may not respond as you wish, so make sure you can accept that. This is a gift you are giving yourself with no expectations other than strengthening your assertive communication skills.
Please get in touch for your complimentary 15-minute phone consultation to discuss how hypnosis or psychotherapy can help you or a loved one enhance communication skills, heal from a trauma, or manage an addiction.
Happy, safe 4th of July!
“It’s better to flee from unnecessary battles than to waste your energy for meaningless victories.”
– Unknown