Not many of us enjoy confrontations, but just imagine how freeing it would be if you could fairly easily and elegantly state the difficult, but necessary, things that most people avoid? Much upset in life is caused by undelivered communication; most people are afraid to say what needs to be said for fear of either hurting the other person’s feelings, being rejected, or of losing face. Imagine being able to:
• Halt gossip amongst your co-workers?
• Get your needs met by your partner?
• Have a real open, honest relationship with your friends?
• Lose some of the drama in your life?
The word “confrontation” comes from the Middle Latin “with face,” meaning face-to-face action. While this word contemporarily has a negative connotation, let’s look at the intent: to bring out of hiding, out of the dark, out of the supposition, and into the light. Here are three easy steps to help you master the art of powerful confrontation, which can only help the recipient of your message feel freer to express his/herself:
1. Studies have shown that fully 93% of communication is non-verbal. Be mindful of your body language, and your vocal tone. Not only do you want to choose your words carefully, but you want to use them succinctly – – the fewer words you use, the more impact you will have. State them in a relaxed, well-modulated voice. Make eye contact, and stand or sit face to face with your partner and keep your body position open: uncrossed legs and arms, shoulders back. If you strike this pose, your partner will more than likely match it. This paves the way for your words.
2. Start a difficult conversation with lead-ins like: “I have a request…” or “This is difficult for me, so I thank you for your patience…” “This might not be easy to hear, but…” “You may be unaware of this, but…” Remember to use “I statements” – – “I feel angry when…” “I am upset that…” always communicating your perspective. Speaking in “You always…” or “You never…” or “I can’t believe you….” will only make your listener feel bad and/or wrong and defensive. That energy can never further a conversation, and you are guaranteed to be misunderstood and lose your standing.
3. After your listener responds, ask him or her if they have anything else they’d like to share. Then thank them for listening and honoring you with the truth. If they say “no” to your request, ask if you can revisit it in six months or so. Or ask what they would need to turn that “no” into a “yes.” Then ask them to please feel free to keep this mode of communication open. You might even set up regular weekly, monthly or quarterly check-ins or “tune-ups” with that person to ensure any emotional baggage is cleared.
Like anything else, the anticipation is always worse than the reality. Even if you don’t “win,” your self-respect will increase. The more you take on confrontations, the easier they become. Most people run from confrontations, yet it’s such a valuable skill. When you’ve mastered this, what can’t you accomplish?
May all your confrontations be successful!